Mine

I'm realizing more and more how protective of my mother that I am. For so long now I've been there, waiting for something bad to happen, waiting to catch her in any sense. I realize now that I babied her and did the opposite of what I was trying to do in trying to help her. I miss her very much. I know that she is a grown women and she's probably doing fine but there I go again thinking she's only "probably" fine. I know she is, but deep down I'm forever worried that one day I'll lose her and I won't be ready, silly now that I think about it. Of course one day I'll lose her and no matter what day it is I won't be ready for it. She has, for the longest time confided in me that she wishes she could have spent more time with her mother, that is most likely a start in my paranoia. I don't want to regret any time not spent with her therefore I feel as though I can't leave her, not even 30 minutes away from me, but I must, everything is forcing me to but I still feel that uncomfortable "what if" feeling crawling up and down my spine. I used to have dreams that people were trying to kill my mother, even when she came home I had thought that maybe someone had killed her and crawled into her skin, who does that? I don't know what it means, but to me these things have played out in my mind consistently without a beat skipping. Now being so far away from her (30 min) I am forever wondering what she is doing since I have successfully lost my phone and having to wait to call her makes it harder in my worried phases. My mom isn't healthy, she smokes and has since she was 15, she's 54 now. So you see, not only do I have to fight with the fact that the universe could suck her in but that her body may take her as well. No clever words could describe the love that I have for her, the home she creates and the mass appeal she has with her at each moments gift. I love my mother. As most do, no matter how human she is. I try and speak it aloud as much as possible, not only so that she may know, but the universe as well, so that it may, when it consumes her, know that it's got a heavenly gift that I believe everyone she's ever come in contact with has been given, therefore it be known that it has the one thing I love the most and it better take good care of her.